Improve your conversations by being a better listener

Active listening doesn’t mean just waiting for your turn to speak. It means being fully engaged

There’s nothing worse than having a conversation with someone, especially on a topic that’s important, and you see the other person’s eyes glaze over. Or stare into the mid-distance. Story listening is essential to being a good communicator. Here’s how to do it well.

1. Remember that communication is a two-way experience. Now, more than ever, the way people do business is participatory. It’s no longer the broadcast, top-down way of communicating. Social media has changed that for ever. Increasingly, it’s about a dialogue — which means active listening.

Author Steve Denning puts it like this: ‘Obviously, I’m a great fan of storytelling. And yet, I have to say, there’s also something basically wrong with the term, “storytelling”. If you take it literally, it implies a kind of one-way relationship: “I tell and you listen.” The kind of storytelling that I advocate in The Secret Language of Leadershipis very much two-way. It’s interactive. There’s at least as much “story listening” as “storytelling”.’

To become a good story-listener, ask the right questions. If you ask:

  • ‘why’ or ‘what’ – you’re likely to get an opinion
  • ‘how’ – you’re likely to learn the process
  • ‘when’ and ‘where’ will usually get a story because it takes people to a specific moment in time. Such as, ‘When did you move house?… I moved house in 2008… it was just after the GFC…’
  • But the simplest question to ask is, ‘What happened?’

2. Active listening doesn’t mean just waiting for your turn to speak. It means being fully engaged. So, no checking on your phone while listening to a friend recount her day. Show her that you’re interested by occasionally nodding, asking questions, and saying ‘yes’ or ‘uh huh’. These appreciative noises tell the other person you are engaged.

Nancy Kline has done pioneering work on the power of listening in The Thinking Environmentwhich shows how people can actually think — and therefore communicate — better when they are listened to in a respectful way. In fact, that people’s freshest thinking happens when they know they won’t be interrupted. Having done two trainings in this approach, I can attest to this. It’s amazing that when we know we aren’t going to be interrupted, we actually go deeper in our thoughts. It allows us to relax — and for the person listening, they stay curious and the whole experience is more enriching.

3. Don’t interrupt or redirect a conversation to your agenda.In short, stop being a conversation hog. Take turns speaking but respectfully wait for your turn. Avoid thinking of your answer while the other person is talking: that will take away your attention from them and they will notice (and feel it). Also, remember that people pick up on non-verbal cues, so stay present while they are talking.

4. Be open and don’t judge.Try not to impose your opinion on someone else. Come into any conversation with the mindset that you can agree to disagree. Withhold blame and criticism.

5. Feedback encourages a deeper dialogue.Be able to receive and provide feedback. Acknowledge what the other person is saying by reiterating what you understand from the conversation. Say things like, ‘Do you mean…’ or ‘From what I gather…’, ‘If I’m hearing you right…’ This tells the other person that you are not only listening but also processing what they are saying, encouraging them to say more.

Now, go forth, and listen with whole-ears and whole-heartedly, and see what a difference it makes.

We have more ways than ever to communicate, so why are we losing the art?

Good communication is about getting the right information across in the right order.

I was sitting in an Uber a few weeks ago when the driver raised the topic of communication. ‘Young people just don’t know how  to keep a conversation going,’ he said. ‘They’re losing the art.’ I wondered aloud if it’s because they’re distracted, on their phones. ‘No, it’s more than that. It’s like how people communicate is actually changing.’ 
Now, you don’t just notice this with young people. It’s becoming an epidemic in businesses. I find it ironic that in an age where we have more channels than ever to communicate, people and brands struggle to do it well. Often in business, soft skills are viewed one-dimensionally — as just about the words you say. The art of smart communication requires a lot more. 
Conversations make the world go round. It’s how we share knowledge and experiences. How great ideas are spread. How we engage and motivate teams. 

20 ways to improve communication at work and build emotional connection

Content: think about what you want to say.

1. Good communication is about getting the right information across in the right order.Sounds obvious, but if you speak before you think, you’ll probably come across as vague and waffly. The natural order of things is to think first before you speak. Unfortunately, few politicians have heard of this advice.

2. Think about your audience.If you’re talking to a peer about a project you’re both steeped in, it’s okay to use acronyms or shorthand. But if you’re speaking to an external stakeholder, you’ll need more explanation. Don’t assume the other person has the same level of knowledge as you.

3. Business jargon is a no, no.Some of the best communicators of our generation, like Tony Fadell, father of the iPod, breaks down his crazy, amazing, and highly specialised wisdom into bite-sized pieces that we can all understand.

4. If it’s an important conversation, take time to map it out — on paper or in your head.Practise with a trusted colleague or coach. Visualise yourself having the conversation before you actually do so.
Hour-glass communication 

5. The more specialised you are in a subject, the more you’re likely to communicate poorly to people who don’t share that specialisation.This extends point 3 above. One way around this is to always think of your context first, the scene setting, before you dip into the detail. Then choose 2/3 salient examples to illustrate your points, before then going broad again at the end. This way of communicating looks like an hour-glass — you start wide and broad, explain the bigger picture, then go specific — before widening out at the end.

Harness the power of stories

6. Stories can be an excellent way to explain a topic that is difficult to understand, or that requires ‘bringing to life.’ Finance legend, Kathy Murphy, President, Fidelity Personal Investing, is a pro at this. She’s  known for sharing her own stories and experiences to educate people about investments and personal finances. This makes her relatable. Richard Branson does so, too.

7. Our brain loves facts but they can be overwhelming. Facts and figures engage a small area of the brain but stories and metaphors have a way of engaging multiple brain regions that not only stimulate logic but elicit emotional responses. Facts provide a hook for the brain but our colourful word choice is what maintains attention.

8. Structure your stories in such a way so they trigger multi-sensory cortices: motor, visual, olfactory, auditory, etc.Engage the senses by describing how the ‘strong aroma of coffee lifts the spirits’ or how the ‘cool rain on my skin brings back teenage memories.’

9. The best communicators know this template by heart: the template of human drama and the triumph of the indomitable spirit:It starts with facing challenges, overcoming adversity and immortalising the lesson. Make your stories memorable by using this template. Award-winning Kenyan-Mexican actress, Lupita Nyong’o, uses intentional transitions to reveal her own hopes and emotions in order to inspire people.

 

Better delivery: ensure your message cuts through the noise 

10. Good communication requires a whole-brain approach.Great communication requires the heart as well as the head.

11. It’s important to realise that what people don’t say is as important as what they do say.Be aware of the silences, not just the words.

12. According to communication expert, Judy Apps, author of the lyrical, thought-provoking The Art of Communication,our brains have a huge impact on how well we communicate.While the left-brain focuses on words and arguments, and is directed towards an outcome, most elements of communication are right-brain related: meaning, inference, intention, context, tone, facial expression, gesture, humour, irony and metaphor. You need to be aware of both elements.

13. When you communicate succinctly, think about the how — not only the what.Consider body language, gestures, eye contact and facial connection. Avoid negative body language like crossing your arms, keeping your head down, or averting your eyes.

14. Watch for a mismatch between what you’re saying and your body language, people pick up on that. There’s a non-verbal aspect of communicating called subtle non-verbal responses: this is being aware of what else is going on.

15. If you nod ‘yes’ while saying ‘no’ people will think you’re not completely telling the truth. An example of this is the aptly termed ‘duping delight’. It’s when a liar says he didn’t do it but smiles at an inappropriate moment.

16. Dr John Lund, author ofHow to Hug a Porcupine: Dealing With Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities(now that’s a mouthful!) says people take more cues from what you’re NOT saying versus what you are saying. He goes on:

  • 92 per cent of communication is non-verbal
  • 55 per cent  is based on your facial expressions and your body language
  • 37 per cent  is based on the tone of your voice
  • only 8 per cent is based on the words you say.

17. Think about the place you hold an important conversation.Avoid being somewhere noisy or at the coffee machine. This lets your listener/s know that he/she is important enough to have your undivided attention.

18. Be assertive.This is not about being hostile or contentious. But expressing your feelings confidently, honestly, and openly while being respectful of others. Effective communication isn’t about forcing your opinion on others but trying to understand the other person.

19. Keep stress in check.Speak calmly and strategically, with pauses to collect your thoughts.

20. Your breathing is also part of the way  you communicate. Breathe at a steady pace.

So wherever you are, in an Uber, in a lift, practise some of these skills. Hopefully, you’ll become more equipped to be a better communicator — a skill we’ll all need as we navigate new channels, and move rapidly into voice-first technology. Bring back the art of better conversation. Everyone has a story to tell.

So, will you tell it?

10 ways to masterful storytelling

We all know how a well-placed and well-timed anecdote can tell us so much more than stats or facts ever could.

‘Storytelling is fundamentally how we construct identity and a sense of purpose,’ says Mark Strom, author of Lead with Wisdom.

‘Tell a story and people will grasp what you are saying.’

We all know how a well-placed and well-timed anecdote can tell us so much more than stats or facts ever could. While politicians have long had a go at this approach, it was Barack Obama who took the art of narrative campaigning to another level. It’s also a technique that is becoming the go-to in business, leadership, content marketing and social media.

Strom believes it’s not only the telling of stories that’s important, but it’s also about asking ‘grounded questions’. This, he says, leads to people telling more meaningful stories.

I heard Strom speak on this subject some years ago and was impressed by how he brings together his belief in the value of wisdom with his knowledge of philosophy. He describes himself as a ‘storyteller with a PhD in the history of ideas.’ He now helps businesses identify their narratives to affect positive change.

‘We can’t make anything without words,’ says Mark. ‘We all have to become the author of our own world.’

And yes, you can make this approach work for you, too.

Here are 10 ways you can become a master storyteller:

  • Make your story a universal one. This will touch more people.
  • Use emotions. How we respond to people is relational not just intellectual. If someone else feels what you felt, your story will touch them.
  • Be succinct. Don’t waffle.
  • Know the point of your story. Why are you choosing to tell it?
  • Ditto with intention. Intention will help your story resonate better with the listener because this is pure energy focused into your words.
  • Consider your delivery of the story. Allow for suspense and build to a punchline.
  • Listen to other people’s stories. They will inform your own.
  • Your story needs to suit your listener. Be prepared to reshape and adapt an anecdote to make it more appropriate to your audience.
  • Use your imagination. Stories don’t merely come from the mind. Rather, from the heart and soul, past and future, ether and the winds. You might not be able to harness all of these but if you are delivering an important presentation, think beyond the intellect.
  • Lastly, be open to reflecting on the story of your life. How you share your story is up to you. You are, after all, the hero of your own narrative and ultimately, destiny.

So give these tips a whirl and watch the master storyteller in you unfold in no time.

How to communicate better at work

Have you ever had that experience when you’re talking to someone and their eyes glaze over? Or you’re presenting to your team and you see people shuffle their papers, or worse still, glance down at their watch? It’s not a good feeling but it can happen to all of us.

It’s at that moment that you need to have a couple of short stories or little anecdotes to get your audience back to focusing on you.

At a recent Anecdote workshop, a woman was describing how small actions can make a difference. She was saying that she’d arranged to meet with her manager. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him come over and sit next to her. She said, ‘I really valued that and quite frankly not many GM’s do it.’

Now that tiny snippet says a lot — and in few words. It gives an insight into work culture and suggests a simple way to improve behavioural engagement. 12 months after this employee had shared her experience, other staff were saying the same thing. ‘You know what? When I see my GM, they come round and sit next to me.’ 

The best way to remember this sort of anecdote or mini-story is to start a STORY BANK. Whenever I hear something, either told to me or heard on the radio or television, I make a few notes in my story bank.

Like anything, storytelling takes practise. Even the so-called ‘natural storyteller’ would have practised his or her best ones in front of the mirror.

7 WAYS TO BECOME A BETTER STORYTELLER

1. Create your own story bank. Choose your medium. A notebook for those who like pen and paper. An App like  Evernote  for those who want to sync their stories across different devices. I use both.

2. Make notes as soon as you can to get down the gist of the event. When you do, look for the key moments or turning points.

3. If you can, jot down any sensory details. If it is about you, how were you feeling? Anchor the experience in your body.

4. Give it a title. This helps recall.

5. If you know them, make a note of people’s names, the name of the company, any job titles. (In the case above I didn’t have them so for me that’s an example of an anecdote rather than a full blown story.)

6. Work out the ‘Most Important Thing’ — or MIT — of the story. This is the point of the story. Sometimes one story can have several different points and can be adapted to suit the moment.

7. Practise, practise, practise. As a writer I know how important it is to have a ‘writing buddy’ who can encourage me when I’m working on a new book. I also have a ‘story buddy’ who I practise my new stories on. And don’t be worried that they change over time… that’s a good indicator of you becoming more comfortable in telling them. And the versatility of a good story.

So over to you. What story can you use in your work today to make sure your message is heard?